did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
