i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
