Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just found puke in my bra..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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