I didn't shave. On purpose
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
