There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
