You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
