You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize