I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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