I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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