Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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