Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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