I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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