Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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