i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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