dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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