Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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