Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she told me i tasted like america
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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