Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
