Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
