I'm jealous of your bromance
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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