I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
