wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
