The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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