did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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