people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
