I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize