i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
