I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
