i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
