I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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