You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
