how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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