Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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