you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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