i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
