omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
