i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
