Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Randomize
