3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize