Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
