it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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