Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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