lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
