i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
