Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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