I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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