My liver just broke up with me...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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