I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
