I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
