obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
