it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
