her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
