I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
