I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You can't motorboat a personality
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
