Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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