a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
