i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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