you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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