Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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