I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
