dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
