Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
