So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize