I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Vodka?
Forever.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
