This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
