He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im holly from the hills drunk
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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